Autism Hangout - Questions for Dr. Attwood Forum Feed

Asperger's and life events

cevans@autismhangout.com — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 19:24:23 CST

Hi, I am in therapy with a psychologist for anxiety disorders. Some weeks ago, my therapist (who is not specialize in autism) told me that I may have some autistic traits. I have some questions : How people with asperger’s react and cope with life difficulties like chronic disease or events like the death of a signifiant person, etc. ? Can these challenges (especially when they add up) increase traits (social problems, difficulties in professionnal area, sensory problems, anxiety, etc.) or put them more apparent? I've always had problems in these areas of my life, but I feel that before meeting these types of challenges I could compensate. Since few years, it’s more difficult (I feel like I've less energy to do). In such a situation, is a diagnostic approach may be relevant? And if so, what it can bring ? Thanks for your answers. PS sorry for mistakes, english is not my usual language.

Aspies discussing with others

cevans@autismhangout.com — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 23:04:12 CST

Some or even most Aspies have a number of difficulties communicating, originated from tendency to talk too little or too much, interrupting others often and/or hating being interrupted and so on. Communicating by writing can help some Aspies but it has limitations and NTs may not be thrilled to "limit" themselves to text. It is important that issues can be discussed at home, school or work without going to sit in a computer writing and e-mail or using instant messenger - and avoiding meltdowns. My question for Dr. T. is: Particularly for discussions that can become heated, do you have any suggestions - both for Aspies and for informed NTs - on how to verbally discuss with each other better while ensuring that everyone stays calm? Ivo.

Evolution

cevans@autismhangout.com — Sun, 15 Jan 2012 06:35:33 CST

Prof. Attwood, You remind me of Professor X from X-Men, if you build a league, I would like to be Rogue, hehehe. What's your thoughts on the evolution aspects of Asperger population. Many characteristics are desirable but not so much with physical clumsiness. Aspies often find it hard to adapt to the general population and have no desires for world domination. It reminds me of the relationship between the Neanderthals and Homo Sapiens. Neanderthal cranial capacity is thought to have been as large as that of a Homo sapiens, perhaps larger, indicating their brain size may have been comparable, or larger, as well. They were talented individuals who also developed tools and arts, but they did not stay in groups, Homo Sapiens lived and hunted in groups. Even the Neanderthals may have passed on some genetic information to their offspring through interbreeding with Homo Sapiens, Neanderthals as a subspiecies or group went extinct or disappeared through absorption, largely due to this behaviour difference. Do you think this may be the future of the Asperger's population if they fail to adapt? Or do you think the development of advanced technologies made it easier for Aspies to thrive, and staying in groups is not as important anymore for the survival of humans in the process of natural selection? [8] Maybe we can engineer some biobricks that may be able to control the genes, for example, the control may interact or respond to certain environments and switches the NT genes on when partying and need social skills; and switch the AS genes on when working and need logical thinking and concentration. The control can be added to the embryos if that's what the parents wanted for their offspring, or through gene therapy in vivo. If the officials abort the term Asperger's, I would like the name X-Men or Vulcan, pretty cool! By the way, in Star Trek, I think the logic of which race is superior was perceived by NTs and not as comprehensive. By using the same logic, paradoxes can be created. Reasons being: To the Vulcans, they are superior than humans because they think human emotions cloud the judgement. But to humans, IQ and EQ are both important aspects of intelligence. Without a good EQ, if the Vulcans lived on Earth, they would probably have to claim disability allowance. The paradox is, they are both superior and inferior to each other by one single logical of discrimination, which is the signature of NTs. I think if the script were written by ASs, the landscape of Vulcan planet would have been different, as least from my point of view. Because I think the Vulcans would not discriminate and would encourage diversity or at least be friendly to difference. At the moment, that's what I think anyway, all the living organisms on Earth are our distant cousins and non of them is inferior. We are just different, as a matter of fact, many species on earth have some amazing abilities that are way advanced than humans. They went through natural selection and survived well. Discrimination is just an excuse created by NTs to prey on the weak and not feeling guilty about it. Like the sort of mentality they train soldiers into before they were sent to Vietam with a full metal jacket. What do you think? http://polymatharty.weebly.com/index.html

Support For Self Diagnosed Aspies

cevans@autismhangout.com — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 12:27:45 CST

Hi Prof. Attwood, I am undiagnosed. I had experience with bad doctors before and fear being misdiagnosed. I would like to be diagnosed someday by someone I trust like yourself. My own observations of my characteristics and worthy noticing points are listed on my website as a reference. In the mean while, how do self diagnosed Aspies with no doctors or Aspie friends get support and references when they get into trouble with officials? Many thanks! [:D] http://polymatharty.weebly.com/index.html

Definition Please

cevans@autismhangout.com — Fri, 6 Jan 2012 07:49:30 CST

I have always been told that autism is an intellectual disability by definition. But now recently I have hearsd that the definition of an intelecual disability includes an IQ below 75. Now since this is obviously not true for all people on the spectrum, is autism an intellectual disability, and if so what is the true and full criteria of one?

retesting for ASD

cevans@autismhangout.com — Mon, 2 Jan 2012 05:26:19 CST

Dr Tony, I have five special needs kids (4 boys and 1 girl) (all have been screened for Autism). Two of the boys were diagnosed with PDD-NOS and attend special school with their sister. The other two boys were tested but the results were inconclusive. They were tested at 5 years old and had an average IQ (unlike their 3 intellectually disabled siblings). The boys are now 15 and 11 respectively (and attending mainstream school), is a reassessment worth considering? Is this something that happens on occassion or is it unheard of? I have been told that those who are highly functional are more tricky to diagnose at a young age. They are both having troubles at school and their teachers are concerned about their socialising and organizational abilities (ie the lack of). They haven't received therapy since starting school and we are unsure where they are at. I have no current reports from therapists etc to verify my concerns. The only current information I have is their school reports. I have enjoyed watching your CBT DVD (you described my kids perfectly), it was the most helpful three house of my life in helping me to understand them. The two schools (mainstream and special) are both going to use your programs to help all of my kids and we will be using it at home also. I would appreciate your advice. K

Self Therapy

cevans@autismhangout.com — Sun, 1 Jan 2012 08:07:53 CST

Not sure if this is the correct forum, but a question for Dr Attwood if time permits: I have been having difficulty finding any therapist that knows about AS, so I have started learning about psychology and am trying to perform my own psychotherapy in the absence of consistent support. My question is, since I am 'self diagnosed' and self diagnosing is uncertain, how do I go about being sure my therapy is on the right track? Example: I'm not sure whether to desensitize social phobia (if I'm typical), or learn to cope with social anxiety(if I have AS). Thanks

STERILIZATION vs BIRTH CONTROL

cevans@autismhangout.com — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 19:29:14 CST

I am a mother of three wonderful sons. My middle son has recently turned 21 years old and is diagnosed with High Functioning Autism or ASD. He was diagnosed three years ago, at the age of 18, after having a roller-coaster life with many tests and evaluations to determine the cause of his lifetime of problematic behaviors and depression. Like many with ASD, he has Central Auditory Processing Disorder CAPD. Unlike anyone else in our home, he will abuse things that make him feel “high” or “look cool”. (i.e.: cigarettes, alcohol, prescription medications, legal and occasionally illegal drugs) I’ve been forced to keep medications in my home under lock-and-key since he was 12 years old. Alcoholic beverages can NOT be brought into my home, as he will drink them without my knowledge. He has had four minor car wrecks in five years due to his natural clumsiness and inattentiveness. He was once arrested for marijuana possession, which required me to hire an attorney. Most of his teachers have called me to come to school each year due to some type of problem my son was causing. He has never been able to work more than a seasonal job lasting 90 – 120 days. Over the past 21 years, it has cost me twice (2x more) as much to raise him with my time, talent and treasure, than what I have spent on one of my other two sons. I am not complaining, just stating the facts. I am thankful that God has never given me more than I could handle when I trusted in the strong will, patience, good sense-of-humor and a can-do-attitude He instilled inside of me. Over the past two years, my sons' behavior has slowly improved. Today, my sons’ personality is usually quiet and withdrawn, but when asked to cooperate with chores, socializing, work, school, or he is told, “NO”, he can still become quiet argumentative. He also will hold a grudge, and occasionally will seek revenge in a mischievous, but sometimes destructive way. (Not physically abusive) Finally, He has always been drawn to friends who look/act exciting, fast and cool, but also who will get him and themselves into trouble. Today, my 21 year old ASD son wishes to move out of our family home to his own apartment. He has recently been awarded disability income and Medicare healthcare benefits. Therefore, it is now a financial possibility for him to have his wish. My husband, his father, passed away, due to cancer, ten years ago; therefore, I am his only parent and caregiver. His brothers are doing well with college and their life goals, but are much too busy and far away to help their 21 year old brother on a regular basis. I am in fair health, getting into my mid 50’s, have worked very hard to be the best single parent possible. I have also taken-in and cared for my aged parents and regrettably, have buried them both within the past three years. The idea of downsizing my home, to get a financial and personal respite from working one full-time and a second part-time job, would be a dream-come-true for me. However, I would still embrace my responsibility to manage my 21 year old son, during his transition to independence. My son has NOT discovered sex yet. Once he lives on his own, I’m sure this will change quickly. From past experience, I’m sure he would mix this new discovery with his old vices of alcohol, medication, and general poor decision making. He generally attracts like-minded friends and now this will include girl-friends too. I want him to be happy and find the right loving life-time companion to share his life. However, he would struggle greatly to care for child(ren) and wife financially or otherwise. Stress to him is like Kryptonite to Superman. These are the reasons that I want him to have a vasectomy, prior to moving out and getting an apartment. He is refusing to have this procedure because he is afraid of the pain, recovery, and thinks he can manage birth-control. He admittedly does NOT want to have children. He wants a puppy! (I still give him his medications daily so he does not take too many or too few pills!) I can try to force him to have this procedure by taking him to court to seek a legal judgment of “Guardianship”. This would hurt our relationship for an extended period while costing us both our valuable peace-of-mind, money and time. Finally, he has stated that he will tell our family members and relatives that, due to their religious beliefs on sterilization, would end their relationship with me and then speak out against me and my position on this matter. I do not have the energy, stamina or enough money saved to raise my grandchild(ren). To see my grandchild(ren) being raised in below standard conditions with parent(s) that are emotionally ill-equipped, would cause me great stress and pain into my old-age. It would also cause my son great problems with stability that would last the rest of his lifetime. MY QUESTION IS THIS: What is your opinion and experience on sterilization for the young adults with ASD? Do you have any advice for our situation? What advice do you regularly give to parents, at my life stage, who are caregivers for Autistic Young Adults in denial of their potential to hurt themselves and others? Mom of Aspie Adult Son

Domestic Abuse

cevans@autismhangout.com — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 20:29:54 CST

Hello, I hope I do not offend anyone with this post. This is something that has been bothering me ever since I heard about it happening in a nearby community. How can a person on the spectrum recognize and react appropriately to an situation where they are being abused, be it physically, emotionally or mentally? Some people on the spectrum may not have family to turn to and may not turn to the police due to fear, past bad expeariences or plain old thinking that they would not be believed. Secondly, this is a common concern of parents that have sons on the spectrum as they can have aggresive tendencies.They do not mean to be aggresive but they get so frusterated they lose control. Since an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure how can support people help people on the spectrum be able to channel thier anger and frusteration in appropriate ways so they do not turn to violence. Also, what should a NT girlfriend or spouse do if they have a partner on the spectrum who is inadvertently violent. Is calling the police really appropriate when the police are notoreous for their lack of training when it comes to autism specterum disorders. Again, I hope this question does not offend anyone! If you feel there is something that should be reworded, please let me know.

Disclosure

cevans@autismhangout.com — Fri, 16 Dec 2011 13:49:52 CST

Although I have not yet been diagnosed AS I expect to be soon. The problem I have is who do I tell? The possibility that I am AS comes with some relief and I sometimes am tempted to tell the world. Other times I think only my wife and children should know. Other times maybe a few non-family members but asking them for strict confidence. I assume, without further diagnosis, that I am high functioning as I made it to 66 pretty successfully. What do you recommend?

Found out late in life

cevans@autismhangout.com — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 11:36:33 CST

Dr. Tony: My son has been diagnosis PDD-nos has Oral Apraxia. He know when someone doesn't care for him right away. He also is very emotional and does this. So thank you. Can someone go undiagnosis like maybe myself then not realize it till she has e a son. Some of my depression, I have that fight or flight all my life learned to cope somewhat, OCD, and I also instantly can walk into a room can tell if there is negativity. Our there certain medication to treat just the whole ball of wax. MrsPuzzle2003 [IMG]http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o148/jabez48/Dancingguycropbig.jpg[/IMG] Autism Hangout: Learning, sharing, thriving!

For January Ask Dr. Tony...

cevans@autismhangout.com — Wed, 7 Dec 2011 19:13:07 CST

A question for Tony from a psychologist I know: "I have been wanting to explore substance abuse treatment options for individuals on the spectrum. It is becoming increasingly clear to me that individuals on the spectrum have many ways of coping with intense affect/anxiety (just like everyone else.) However, I am having a difficult time finding treatment options that are appropriate/understanding/knowledgeable/sensitive for individuals on the spectrum....I believe we will see more individuals needing sensitive/quality/compassionate and tailored care in this area and I want to find resources and/or advocate for better resources in this area." Thanks Craig! -Stephanie (Stephitza on youtube) [IMG]http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o148/jabez48/Dancingguycropbig.jpg[/IMG] Autism Hangout: Learning, sharing, thriving!

"Ask Dr. Tony!" December 2011

cevans@autismhangout.com — Wed, 7 Dec 2011 18:25:36 CST

The December 2011 program covered new materials. Lots of great discussion around your questions! Several submitted questions have been covered in previous "Ask Dr. Tony" programs. We weren't able to include them in this program. To hear Dr. T's comments from past shows, see Ivo's listing of previously covered subjects here: [url]http://www.autismhangout.com/forum/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=491[/url] Here are the topics within the 4 December 2011 video Segments: [img]http://www.autismhangout.com/userfiles/image/tonysm.jpg[/img] In the First segment, Dr. Tony addresses: [url]http://www.autismhangout.com/news-reports/feature-programs.asp?id2=206[/url] * Is there a bias against successful Aspies? * Should suspecting adults seek diagnosis? * Do older Aspies adjust to an NT world? * Dr. T's thoughts on diagnosis at any age. In the Second segment: [url]http://www.autismhangout.com/news-reports/feature-programs.asp?id2=207[/url] * Can NT kids learn Aspie behavior from an Aspie parent? * Is there a link between Munchhausen Syndrome and ASD? * How do Aspies and NTs differ in dealing with grief? In the Third segment: [url]http://www.autismhangout.com/news-reports/feature-programs.asp?id2=208[/url] * My son can't stand hearing someone clearing their throat! Any suggestions? * Can I get past my shame at being diagnosed with autism? And In the Fourth segment: [url]http://www.autismhangout.com/news-reports/feature-programs.asp?id2=209[/url] * Can an AS spouse adapt to save a marriage? * What happens when the diagnosis for "Aspergers" goes away? What can we do about that now? * Dr. Tony's new book Thanks Dr. T!! [IMG]http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o148/jabez48/Dancingguycropbig.jpg[/IMG] Autism Hangout: Learning, sharing, thriving![url][/url][url][/url][url][/url]

Disappearing Diagnosis

cevans@autismhangout.com — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 05:29:43 CST

Since the diagnosis for Asperger's is going to disappear and no longer to be an official diagnosis, does that mean that people who have already been diagnosed are going to be (for lack of a better way to say it) considered "cured" and will no longer qualify for the supports they may be accessing. How will it affect those who have the diagnosis of Asperger's in 2013?

I suspect I may have aspergers

cevans@autismhangout.com — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 01:41:23 CST

Throughout my life I have had a great deal of difficulty dealing with people both in my private life and professionally. I have really struggled to communicate which has caused me to become depressed and withdraw even more. I have a four year old son who I strongly suspect of having aspergers and after myself and and my spouse have done a great deal of reading on the subject, we believe I may have as well. As an adult, how would I go about getting assessed for autism. James Ellis

spouse with AS

cevans@autismhangout.com — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 12:33:18 CST

I am married 26 years to a man I now believe has AS. Although I would like to save the marriage, I cannot live the rest of my life with no emotional understanding or support from him. I feel like I am dying inside. Is there any hope? Can AS spouses learn/adapt/evolve and related to their non-AS spouse in a healthy way?

Son talking too much

cevans@autismhangout.com — Sun, 27 Nov 2011 15:08:19 CST

Hello Mr Attwood, My 9 year old son has aspergers and goes to a mainstream school. He is a bright boy. His teacher complains he talks in the line every day, despite being given clear instructions to be quiet, continues to do so instantly when the teachers back is turned - and is as frequently as 3-4 times in a 1-2 minute journey from the playground to class. This exasperates the teacher who says my son knows right from wrong, also he says you can't use aspergers as an excuse for this and that this is a separate issue. My son really only has one child he gets on with and he is quite obsessive about talking to him. I personally think he is being defiant to the teacher but can't help himself as I believe he is desperate to talk to the other boy or even to kids next to him in the line, although the teacher says my son goes to this other boy like a magnet.. Also when my son is told to pack up his belongings in class at the end of the day he leaves his desk to go over and talk to the other child instead of packing away despite knowing he shouldn't. The teacher says he has told the boys to stay away from each other as when they're together they don't listen to him and act silly. Apart from talking too much my son does all his work in class and isn't cheeky to the teacher. I would love it if you could give me some advice on how to improve this situation and is this related to his aspergers or is it a separate issue? My son has just recently been diagnosed and it's difficulty to know if everything he does is linked to being on the spectrum or only certain things. I would love to hear your answer as I have so much respect for your opinion. Thanks for reading, Tracy x

Unable to move forward

cevans@autismhangout.com — Sun, 27 Nov 2011 08:00:16 CST

Dear Dr. Tony When I was thirteen I was diagnosed as being on the spectrum. However, the psychologist who diagnosed me decided not to tell me right away. But she did advise my parents to tell my school, which they did. They told the teacher very specifically not to mention anything about the diagnosis because they wanted to pick a good time to tell me themselves. Later that year, my teacher pulled me out of the classroom and informed me of the diagnosis. He told me I was damaged in the brain and that my dreams of going to college was just me setting myself up for failure because most people on the spectrum did not have the mental capacity for it. He told me that's why my peers saw me as strange and bizarre. He said I would never be able to live independently rather, I would probably live in a group home. He said if I "worked hard" I *may* be able to make small positive contributions to society but I should be careful not to be unrealistic with my goals since I would always be seen as somewhat of an outcast by my peers. He asked if I had any questions and being very shaken up and on the verge of tears, I said no. It was quite some time before I could compose myself to be able to return to class. To put it mildly, I was crushed. It was a year before I could talk about it and 10 years before I could even acknowledge the diagnosis. I was so ashamed that I couldn't even talk to my parents about it. They were shocked when a year later they sat me down to "tell" me and I told them I already knew. Twelve years have gone by and I still feel that my diagnosis is something shameful to be hidden. Whenever someone points out some of my weak points, it brings me back to that conversation 12 years ago and I still feel the same shame and fear that I did when I was thirteen. I am told that it still effects me since I am apparently over apologetic and have very low self esteem. I often feel depressed and I don't know how to snap myself out of it. I am desperate to get past this. Although my life has not turned out the way the teacher described I still feel like a failure. I do not want to feel like a failure for the rest of my life. I do not want to feel horrible about something that happened 12 years ago. It is illogical to do so. Dr. Tony, how can I get past this experience once and for all so I do not feel ashamed of myself or feel like a constant failure. How an I learn to see my diagnosis as a gift or an opportunity rather then a downright curse? Lady Jane Grey

Motion Sickness

cevans@autismhangout.com — Sat, 26 Nov 2011 10:40:39 CST

I have Asperger's. My motion sickness is extreme. I can't even watch someone on a swing or in a rocker, or walk past an old, wavy window without starting to feel motion sick. I have to be careful when I go to the movies, because action scenes immediately make me start to feel sick. Same with watching someone play video games. I take ginger for plane, car, and boat trips (Dramamine puts me to sleep on my feet). It's almost disabling. Is this an example of sensory sensitivity?

Older Aspies

cevans@autismhangout.com — Sat, 26 Nov 2011 09:59:11 CST

There has been a huge surge of older people learning that they have Aspergers Syndrome. Some get official diagnoses, others (like me) are told that adults do not need an 'official' dx. I was even told that it might have negative effects on my ability to get a job should I lose mine. What are your thoughts about getting diagnosed as an older person? We often bear the deep and lasting scars of difficult interaction and integration in the NT world. I've managed to carve out my own relatively successful niche in the world, but sometimes I feel like I'm 20 years behind because I had to learn how to 'pass' as an NT. On a positive note, I can say that my life is better than it was when I was younger. I've learned the patterns of interaction with the NT world, and use my particular abilities to my advantage. Here are my main questions: Does age help an Aspie find their feet in the NT world? Is it possible that it takes our brains longer to make the connections that NTs do in their youth? Are there resources for older Aspies to utilize? Is a formal diagnosis necessary, and is it harmful or helpful?

Cassandra Affective Deprivation Disorder

cevans@autismhangout.com — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 12:26:37 CST

I have heard a lot of negativity regarding something called Cassandra Affective Deprivation Disorder but have been unable to find anything about it besides a lot of opinions rather then factual information. I apologize in advance for the controversial question. I was wondering what is this/what is it supposedly, why is it linked to autism and why is it causing so much controversy? All the best, Lady Jane Grey [IMG]http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o148/jabez48/Dancingguycropbig.jpg[/IMG] Autism Hangout: Learning, sharing, thriving!

Housing Accomidations

cevans@autismhangout.com — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 11:34:06 CST

There is a push in my community to create more housing for people with various disabilities in my community. A housing Coop so they can live independently but with the appropriate supports. My question is, for those on the autism spectrum, is there considerations, modifications or design adjustments that could be made to make the housing that would make it more autism friendly that an NT engineer may not think of when he is designing the layout?

Autoimmune and autism spectrum

cevans@autismhangout.com — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 11:06:06 CST

Dr. T. has previously mentioned in passing that new research suggests that those on the spectrum are prone to autoimmune diseases. This was while addressing a health question in October 2010. I'd like to ask the following: Can you tell us more about the possible links between autoimmune issues and the autism spectrum? For example, is it likely that these links are to autoimmune issues in general? Do they appear to relate strongly to particular ones? I'm specially curious about allergies / asthma and also about multiple sclerosis, if appropriate can you discuss details? Ivo.

Aspie-psych student - Question about education

cevans@autismhangout.com — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 11:30:29 CST

Hi. I'm recently diagnosed and are studying to become a psychologist in northern Europe. (please excuse any poor language) In an earlier episode you mentioned that you knew several therapists with ASD. However I've heard from my teachers that "the best prediction for the quality of a future therapist is the persons empathy". I find this depressing since aspies by definition has problems with empathy. What do you think about this? I also wonder if you have some general advice for an aspie regarding the challenges becoming a therapist/psychologist?

Question from Ida

cevans@autismhangout.com — Sat, 19 Nov 2011 21:12:54 CST

Hi i have damp and i have been watching the vids when mothers and siblings are asking about their asperger children or siblings and i recognize myself in alot how i was as a child . and as a young adult that i am now. now to the question i have never really liked to eat at a restuarant its really stressing and i start to stare i feel looked at and cant relax is this normal for aspies and people with damp?. how similar is damp and asperger symptom? cuz the social parts can i actually recognize and have yes.. aha moments. hugs ida [IMG]http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o148/jabez48/Dancingguycropbig.jpg[/IMG] Autism Hangout: Learning, sharing, thriving!

Health

cevans@autismhangout.com — Thu, 17 Nov 2011 08:56:55 CST

What if I told you that I see a way around the Health Care Crises? And strangely enough it’s by way of seeing the way around Our Health Crises. Nothing more than counter measure to your current consumption habit. In essence, to where and how quick is up to how much you want to know. Just so long as you understand what does what. It might take a bit to take it in, but once it’s in, it’s in. I can elaborate, to all Laymen. Just tell me your trade. farmostaspie

how to discuss with an aspie spouse

cevans@autismhangout.com — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 14:15:57 CST

In his book "The complete guide to AS", Dr. Tony accurately describes how many Aspies may hold a discussion: "The characteristics include providing too much information, an emphasis on rules and minor details, a tendency to correct errors in the previous utterance of the other person, the use of overly formal sentence structures, and making a rigid interpretation of what someone says that could be perceived as being argumentative rather than corrective. The person with Asperger’s syndrome is often characterized as being a pedant, a comment which is not intended as a compliment." As a NT married to an aspie with ALL of those characteristics I find it exhausting and extremely difficult to remain calm and to argue rationally when faced with such "pedantic" speech and argumentation. I frequently lose my patience and tend to use words such as "never", "always", "everything" or "nothing" criticising his attitudes, but have to apologize every time I do that because one of his rules is that such words must not be used in a sentence that is rigorously untrue if that sentence is to criticise someone. The discussion escalates unless I apologize. My question is: how can a NT spouse avoid losing patience and react in a way more likely to keep tempers from flaring when faced with such a way to discuss?

an open door

cevans@autismhangout.com — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 12:02:35 CST

Any imput on this open door to, raw cognative data. That they say is only found in those with Aspergers and only 1 to posibly 3% even then. I would never have found my way to such an odd dinamic. If I wasn't just such a person.

Nature v nurture

cevans@autismhangout.com — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 14:43:07 CST

My father is quite clearly an Aspie although he has never been formerly diagnosed. I know my father has had lots of difficulties socially and has only recently accepted that Aspergers may be the culprit for his behaviours. This has clearly impacted on my mother as well as my brother and I, and I wonder how much of Aspergers responses are "learned" and "copied" by the children of an Aspergers parent. As children learn by example, it is possible that they may exhibit some behaviours via osmosis & example rather actually being Aspergers themselves? Is this a possibility or do genetic factors predispose the children anyway?

AS and sharing chores

cevans@autismhangout.com — Tue, 1 Nov 2011 12:57:15 CST

Hello Craig. My aspie husband believes that weekends are mainly to relax, while I think it is a good opportunity to cook more elaborate dishes and eat "properly" as well as to do chores to maintain the house to my standards. We both work full time and I can't feel relaxed in an untidy house. My aspie partner has rather lower standards than mine: he does not tire of eating the simplest and easiest to prepare meals and similarly doesn't think the other chores need to be done with the frequency or intensity that I feel necessary. He then reasons that if I want them done to my standards, then I can do them myself!... I feel that I am doing over 75% of the work! He says he doesn't want me to do so much and I believe him, but none of his proposed solutions satisfy me. He actually often says we should get separate houses so that each one keeps their house to their own standards - that suggestion drives me nuts! He sometimes volunteers to take responsibility for more chores, but only under strict conditions that let him do things "his way" which means that effectively I will have the house untidy for a longer period anyway, so I find it very hard to accept such offers. I want to ask Dr. Tony what can we do to reach a compromise that leaves me more satisfied with the amount of work he contributes towards chores? Thank you, ASwed P.S. We wrote this question together.

odds for autism

cevans@autismhangout.com — Mon, 31 Oct 2011 05:56:02 CST

I've heard risk goes up among the technical minded population, with the fathers age, and if one of the parents is Autistic. I'm a 19 year old moderate functioning autistic, with no intellectual impairments but many others. My husbands is 40 years old and extremely technical minded. We feel with effort and certain accommodations we can handle#65279; parenting an NT, but that another Autistic would be too much right now, but he doesn't want to wait and be parenting at 70. How likely are combined factors delladex [IMG]http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o148/jabez48/Dancingguycropbig.jpg[/IMG] Autism Hangout: Learning, sharing, thriving!

Autism and Munchhausen

cevans@autismhangout.com — Sun, 30 Oct 2011 10:35:10 CST

I am so upset I barely know where to begin. I am worried about stigma attached. I need advice badly! Please help. My sister was being seen recently by an infectious disease specialist for a infection acquired in hospital. The doctor has been unable to explain why my sister is so prone to infections while in hospital. He pulled me out of the room and stated that Autism and Munchhausen Syndrome go hand in hand. I didn't understand at first as I have not heard the term before but when he explained it, I was shocked. Before I could gather my wits, he went back in the room and confronted my sister with his theory. It was terrible. She was also refused pain management because "pain is just a part of being sick" She has been diagnosed in the United States as having at least two auto-immune diseases at the Mayo Clinic. However, most Canadian doctors are refusing to take that diagnosis seriously and ignore it since it was made out of country. I know I am biased but I know that A) my sister would never hurt herself and B) How is that even possible *in* the hospital? There is no evidence. This is simply based on the doctors failure to find a diagnosis. Now it is written in her chart and I am afraid of the impact that this will have on her medical care. She has seen several psychiatrists who find nothing unusual except her ASD and anxiety which is getting worse and yet the label sticks. I never thought a doctor would use her autism against her. What I want to ask Prof Attwood is if what the Infectious disease doctor says is true. Is there a link between ASD and Munchhausen Syndrome? Also, how can one defend against an argument that is basically a he said/she said argument? I feel so stuck. I feel so helpless. I tried to defend her but the doctor said I was "much too biased" and may be trying to cover up or protect my sister or even be an accomplice. If I knew or suspected she was a danger to herself I would be the first one to speak up because she is my sister and I care about her so this hurts a lot. I would NEVER stand by and let my sister hurt herself like that and I would NEVER NEVER hurt her. She asked me yesterday if this would go away someday. All I could say was "I don't know." I go in the all the appointments with my sister but all the same they are becoming a nightmare.

Index / Summary of older "Ask Dr. Tony" videos

cevans@autismhangout.com — Sun, 30 Oct 2011 02:44:13 CST

Links included! The summary of each session is separated by horizontal lines. You can use the text of the following index to jump to corresponding summary of the session with the "find" function of your browser (usually the shortcut is "Ctrl+F") Sessions starting with 2010_10 have links in their summary section (they are divided in parts). Index of the summary: [url="http://www.autismhangout.com/news-reports/feature-programs.asp?id2=93"]2009_02 (first session): [/url] [url="http://www.autismhangout.com/news-reports/feature-programs.asp?id2=103"]2009_04 [/url] [url="http://www.autismhangout.com/news-reports/feature-programs.asp?id2=112"]Special edition on group homes[/url] [url="http://www.autismhangout.com/news-reports/feature-programs.asp?id2=111"]2009_07 [/url] [url="http://www.autismhangout.com/news-reports/feature-programs.asp?id2=123"] 2009_09 Special edition, Girls with Asperger's [/url] [url="http://www.autismhangout.com/news-reports/feature-programs.asp?id2=127"]2010_01 [/url] [url="http://www.autismhangout.com/news-reports/feature-programs.asp?id2=134"]2010_07 [/url] [url="http://www.autismhangout.com/news-reports/feature-programs.asp?id2=135"]2010_07 Special Edition [/url] [url="http://www.autismhangout.com/news-reports/reports.asp?id=129"]10 minutes with Dr. Tony interview [/url] 2010_10 (in person) 2011_02 2011_07 2011_10

[url="http://www.autismhangout.com/news-reports/feature-programs.asp?id2=93"]2009_02 (first session): [/url] "Convincing 18-year old to move forward (from playing video games)" - understand that he feels safe at home, etc. "Any successful group homes (details, checklist of what to do)" – note that each AS is individual, AS are a bit intelectually arrogant. "No more research on psychadelic drugs, should they be investigated?" - AS can be sensitive or react different to chemicals. "Is it harder for AS to learn foreign language?" - AS tend to be extremes, either very good or very bad and in this as well, advises "pruning curriculum". "Named some medicines, should we continue" - These are over-the-counter so low toxicity etc. maybe no harm, you can try a "drug vacation" testing removing them. "5-year old is non-verbal and agressive, we don't even like this kid anymore." - maybe not aggression, but anxiety. Show what is going to happen with pictures etc.

[url="http://www.autismhangout.com/news-reports/feature-programs.asp?id2=103"]2009_04 [/url] "17 year old son considering college, better away or close to home, how to approach issue" - stay at home if you can (and attend from there) and more info on subject. "4 kids, 2 on spectrum - pregrant, likelihood for 5th?" - about 50%, tends to be stronger for older parents (and boys more likely). Info on signs to know early. "Depressed married wife, husband possibly AS but denies. What to do?" - lenghty info on the situation, should be useful for couples. "An aspie kid has a tight bond with an NT school friend, school is worried about dependency situation." - Dr. T. says this is excellent and school must not meddle!

[url="http://www.autismhangout.com/news-reports/feature-programs.asp?id2=112"]Special edition on group homes[/url]

[url="http://www.autismhangout.com/news-reports/feature-programs.asp?id2=111"]2009_07 [/url] "2 kids on the spectrum, younger 3rd kid should I vaccinate" - Yes of course (addresses the question strictly from an immunology point of view). "Dated vaccines and possible link to autism" - Not an expert, no comment. "Kid on the spectrum, difficulties with mainstream education - home-schooling, keeping kid back a year?" - involve child in decision, more info on both options. "Aspie teen, susceptible to harassment and sexual assault" - NT peer can help with evaluating, stay in public. Some info on what to do after being assaulted.

[url="http://www.autismhangout.com/news-reports/feature-programs.asp?id2=123"] 2009_09 Special edition, Girls with Asperger's [/url]

[url="http://www.autismhangout.com/news-reports/feature-programs.asp?id2=127"]2010_01 [/url] "Co-occurrence of ASD along with bipolar illness?" - existing research (parents of ASD individuals have higher % of mood disorders), lengthy info on ASD emotions. "Evaluation (of kid) for ASD requires removal of meds, is it worth the untreated period?" - probably yes, involve the individual in decision. "Removal of the term Asperger, is it wise?" - The main concern is with using term "mild autism" instead, but other issues discussed.

[url="http://www.autismhangout.com/news-reports/feature-programs.asp?id2=134"]2010_07 [/url] "Ability to talk shuts down, frustration as self-inflicting... What to do?" - stop hitting yourself, must calm down (strategies discussed). "Kid with violent meltdowns and communication difficulties... What to do?" - Parent must remain calm, focus on calming him down (strategies discussed). "Special needs teacher asks about room used by AS students, concerned that school will limit access" - agrees with keeping room (and explains why it is good). "Parents arrange to go mostly everywhere with son. Is this detrimental to his development?" - Ask son if he wants them there, do what he wants but gradually pulling back. "How to educate educators that autism can not be removed from the fabric of a child?" - Some get it, some don't, a few strategies. "Will mainstream schools ever work for our special kids?" - yes it can work, but depends on the individual etc. and can also be a disaster.

[url="http://www.autismhangout.com/news-reports/feature-programs.asp?id2=135"]2010_07 Special Edition: [/url] "Discuss your reactions on the loss of term Asperger and compare with HFA" - more a difference in early childhood. Consistent with 2010_01 but worth watching both. "Effectiveness of Gluten Free, Casein Free?" - It may be that it makes a significant difference for a few individuals, only way to really know is try. "Co-morbidity of other issues with AS?" - great answer discussing many aspects, never saw AS benefitting from psych. hospital, and that medication alone is not enough.

2010_10 (in person): [url="http://www.autismhangout.com/news-reports/reports.asp?id=129"]Also includes 10 minutes with Dr. Tony interview [/url] [url="http://www.autismhangout.com/news-reports/feature-programs.asp?id2=144"]Part 1... [/url] "Dr. Grandin sees details but has trouble with faces?" - not difficulty in detail but in knowing which combinations of details are important and the interpretation. "Parent with autism asks for advice (5 sub-topics)?" - Interesting for relationships in general! Covers: explaining to kids, lack of confidence with interpersonal skills, encouraging others to be verbal, exact and direct, normal is a statistical concept that doesn't exist, age that others understand HFA and such (typically around 8 years). "Problems with medical system being ignorant of AS and ignoring reported physical symptoms" - sadly often a problem, mentions link with auto-immune diseases, issues of pain perception. "Kid on Abilify doesn't want to stop eating and reacts badly when told to stop" - many meds used for emotional management affect appetite, binge eating is serious issue. "20-year old self-diagnosis, advantage or disadvantage to get diagnosis?" - invariably people say worth it (most positives mentioned are related to knowledge and understanding rather than having the diagnosis itself, but some advantages of official diagnosis related to being in college). Getting official diagnosis may require expert on AS in females (mentions Dra. Hénault in Montreal and Dra. Gray in Portland, Oregon). For more on the topic of diagnosis usefulness for those already well informed about AS, see interview by TheAnmish on youtube. [url="http://www.autismhangout.com/news-reports/feature-programs.asp?id2=145"]Part 2... [/url] "Rage attacks and self-inflicted harm" - talk to someone, ask someone to be with you without being intrusive. May be sadness instead of anger. Have a plan. "5 year old misinterprets of motives and assumes people are being mean when asked to do homework etc." - for the age involved recommends "comic strip social stories". "Limited access to trained professionals, do programs ourselves?" - brilliant, do it and mentions a study revealed parents were as effective as psychologists in a given case. "PTSD, depression, may be bipolar or borderline on top of AS?" - borderline can occur with AS (particularly in women). Discusses emotional regulation. Dr. T. mentions that some AS individuals have some special awareness of sensing emotional atmospheres (possibly through some channel that does not involve facial expressions).

2011_02 [url="http://www.autismhangout.com/news-reports/feature-programs.asp?id2=164"]Part 1... [/url] "3 AS kids, all with bedwetting" - common issue. Probably anxiety issues, also can be lack of certain sensory sensitivities. Discusses sleep profiles and cycles. "Eating disorders and AS" - common issue. Sensory sensitivities usually, restrictive diet (same food). An example of "faulty logic" that lead to eating disorder. Food can also become Special Interest. "Teaching as a profession for AS, advice on school age" - Aspies can be very kind and determined to help others. Warning about teenagers and going for students that want to be there. "Aspie was discriminated and has anxiety and trouble with the legal system" - some Aspies have a double difficulty in adapting to the legal system (a different culture). Also refers that Aspies can be very determined. "Anxiety with doctors lead to self-esteem issue. PTSD?" - Common in AS (particularly in women) selective mutism. Anxiety, not stupidity, a bit like PTSD. Maybe audio record the appointment (my personal suggestion that Dr. T. didn't refer for a case like this: take a written cue sheet to help you communicate). [url="http://www.autismhangout.com/news-reports/feature-programs.asp?id2=165"]Part 2... [/url] "How to motivate AS to complete work and improve focus" - common issue. Dedicated to interests, non-interests boring. Some strategies. On focus, some strategies (more next time*) *This seems to be forgotten, but as it is such an important issue maybe it can be asked again to get more strategies to help improve focus. "Sensory issues with clearing throat and coughing, hit people doing it" - some strategies. "Sensory issues with high-pitched sounds and laughing, desensitize?" - with laughter it can also be psychological element to being ridiculed in past. AS typically do not habituate (so desensitize won't work), try physical barriers (such as earplugs). "Sensory issues with salads" - some possibilities, AS tend towards liking blandness. "Routine changes, dealing with stress" - change is major cause of issues (particularly people). For AS a new person is much more an entirely new person. Suggestion of "diccionaries" on reading the AS. [url="http://www.autismhangout.com/news-reports/feature-programs.asp?id2=166"]Part 3... [/url] "Difficulty fitting in, refuses to deal with other AS?" - "2nd rate NT vs 1st rate Aspie" and associated issues. Look at qualities. "Aspie heroes" concept mentioned. "Big teen stims a lot when gets home" - Dr. T. comments on the word "stims" (e.g. may be Tourette's tics instead), probably sign as high anxiety suggest possibility to replace with another ritual or routine and strategies. "Is hoarding common to AS? Separate issue?" - in AS it is probably a different type of hoarding, goes into details. Throwing out stuff can be like amputating part of the person or throwing out their old photos. Some examples.

More recent videos have their own brief description at the start of the video and tend to be divided into related topics, but I believe it is still useful to include it here. I intend to give some short descriptions in the style of the ones I gave for the older videos but that may take a while to show up.

2011_07 [url="http://www.autismhangout.com/news-reports/feature-programs.asp?id2=182"]Salads and vomit soup[/url] "AS grandson won't even sit next to someone eating salad" - sensory sensitivity, this is a genuine problem for the kid so please accept it (he may grow out of it after a number of years). [url="http://www.autismhangout.com/news-reports/feature-programs.asp?id2=183"]Anti-seizure meds[/url] "Son displays aggressive behaviour including tantrums, anti-seizure med. was prescribed?" - there is research that such anti-convulsive med. may help with the control of emotions. [url="http://www.autismhangout.com/news-reports/feature-programs.asp?id2=184"]Reassurance[/url] "Daughter with limited communication, obssessed with schedule and often says wrong things on purpose, how to interpret?" - there can be a desire for predictable answer due to anxiety. Instead of worrying about answering bizarre question try to use them as a cue to reassure and de-stress daughter. [url="http://www.autismhangout.com/news-reports/feature-programs.asp?id2=185"]TMS and new medications[/url] "Do you know of TMS working on AS" - I don't know enough, needs to be proven, may benefit some individuals but not others "What about nasal sprays (oxytocyn, vasopressin) - advise caution, still experimental so don't know long-term effects and ASD often very prone to side-effects. [url="http://www.autismhangout.com/news-reports/feature-programs.asp?id2=186"] AS diets and digestion[/url] "Do special diets help with behaviour?" - it may help the individual. I know cases where it worked and others where made no difference. "AS son has strange issues with food and eating, should do endoscopy?" - these do occur on ASD but also on other development disorders. Check with a gastroenterologist to decide whether to do endoscopy on a case by case basis. [url="http://www.autismhangout.com/news-reports/feature-programs.asp?id2=187"] Synesthesia[/url] "About to sleep, hear an unexpected sound and that makes me see a flash. Synesthesia?" - May be if it is a sensory experience creating an experience in different sensory system. Or just normal mioclonic seizures occurs in this state between awake and sleep that produce the flashes. [url="http://www.autismhangout.com/news-reports/feature-programs.asp?id2=188"] AS and death of a parent[/url] "Helping teenage HFA son deal with death of father? Paces and asks rapid-fire questions unrelated with father" - son may increase autistic-like behaviours, pacing calms him down, questions keep mind busy to block negative emotions. May help to use "social story" to teach how to react to people's emotions related with the grieving. [url="http://www.autismhangout.com/news-reports/feature-programs.asp?id2=189"]AS and sexuality[/url] "No understanding of some cues, have been taken sexually advantage of and now I excessively touch myself - is this normal for an Aspie and how do I learn the non-verbal sexual cues?" - Aspies not very good at character judgement, try to go with a NT friend / relative, go to public places. Excessively touching herself: can be a form of soothing, the issue is not to do it to excess. There are books about non-verbal communication. [url="http://www.autismhangout.com/news-reports/feature-programs.asp?id2=190"]AS and social perception[/url] "How to understand that some people on the spectrum have an attuned instinct to who likes and understand them (despite difficulties in other situations)?" - it seems a bit mutually exclusive, may be using some different channel other than reading facial expressions etc. or from previous experiences of people. [url="http://www.autismhangout.com/news-reports/feature-programs.asp?id2=191"]AS and relationships[/url] "My AS boyfriend met a girl with ADHD, goes every week running with her, they change in the same room. How not to get hurt?" - Aspie may not know boundaries / social conventions, and may not know how his actions affect feelings of others. Probably he is not concerned with the gender, and it is very likely platonic. "Should special interests for a person be discouraged if that person is informed and does not mind? What if the Aspie's wife is upset that another female is a non-romantic special interest?". The interest can be a person, but usually at an intellectual, platonic level. The Aspie may not understand the partner's feelings or the concept of jealousy. "My Aspie fiancee proposed to me and then ran away in panic - how to soothe him?". Try to ask what are he is scared about, what is he anxious about and then reassure him. [url="http://www.autismhangout.com/news-reports/feature-programs.asp?id2=192"]AS and mentorship program[/url] "Have not found a mentor program. How to get involved / start one?"- find out what your skills and qualities are that you can bring to help, then contact local media and ask to be interviewed leaving contacts so that people that would like your help can reach you. [url="http://www.autismhangout.com/news-reports/feature-programs.asp?id2=193"]AS and Feelings[/url] "Can not identify my emotional state. How to improve this?" - Very important question. Often individuals are the last to know that they are heading for a meltdown, have difficulty knowing how they are feeling. Can try monitoring heart-rate to help with this etc.

2011_10 [url="http://www.autismhangout.com/news-reports/feature-programs.asp?id2=200"]Sensory Issues / Special vs Intimate Friends and "Intellectual Orgasms"[/url] [url="http://www.autismhangout.com/news-reports/feature-programs.asp?id2=201"] Catastrophizing emotions / Discovering AS later in life[/url] [url="http://www.autismhangout.com/news-reports/feature-programs.asp?id2=202"]Asperger faulty logic / Aspergian Masks[/url] [url="http://www.autismhangout.com/news-reports/feature-programs.asp?id2=203"]Marriage and genetics of ASD[/url] [url="http://www.autismhangout.com/news-reports/feature-programs.asp?id2=204"]Emergency "I have autism" cards / Suicide is not an option[/url]

2011_12 [url="http://www.autismhangout.com/news-reports/feature-programs.asp?id2=206"]Part 1[/url] [url="http://www.autismhangout.com/news-reports/feature-programs.asp?id2=207"]Part 2[/url] [url="http://www.autismhangout.com/news-reports/feature-programs.asp?id2=208"]Part 3[/url] [url="http://www.autismhangout.com/news-reports/feature-programs.asp?id2=209"]Part 4[/url]

Aspergers role models.

cevans@autismhangout.com — Tue, 25 Oct 2011 07:17:05 CST

From Youtube... RobotGreenAlien has posted a comment on your profile: I wonder if you get the chance could you ask Tony; If there is a bias against diagnosing people with aspergers who are doing well? and Doesn't that rob us of Role models and Mentors. I'm not counting tony in this or implying professionals are doing this maliciously. [IMG]http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o148/jabez48/Dancingguycropbig.jpg[/IMG] Autism Hangout: Learning, sharing, thriving!

My love story :) AS + NT

cevans@autismhangout.com — Wed, 12 Oct 2011 10:32:08 CST

I first of all would like to thank Dr T and Cevans for great enlightening videos for October! Thank you so much for answering my and others questions! It's not easy to explain how much this really means for me and surely for others too. Thank you again. Now, since my two questions in this discussion forum might seem like two extremes, I feel a need to tell you more about me and show you how it all fits together. My hope is that I might help someone with my story :) [:)] I met my AS boyfriend five years ago and at the time I had no idea he had AS, neither did he. We started dating and quite quickly became a couple. I was madly in love, he was a perfect match and what I was searching for. He didn't drink alcohol, he was truthful, he always thought everyone was nice and he felt like someone I could depend on. Already from the start, I knew he had problems seeing the social boundaries and codes but I forgave him every time in the end (after being very upset ususally). I felt in my heart that he didn't do this to hurt me or to gain something. he simply could not understand it. Loving him made me work hard on dealing with the hard situations he put us in. The first years I was very open with my feelings and told him every emotional state I felt. This was exhausting for him to deal with and he often told me that I never was happy, which wasn't the case at all. But for him, emotions = chaos and problems. This also did not change my ways, when interacting with him. I simply did not understand him. After some years, dealing with a few very hard situations (they seemed to take turns, one started when the previous ended). One of the hardest was a situation where a person was bullying me and my AS boyfriend was treated differently by the same person. My boyfriend simply did not believe me, and this was a hard blow on my heart. I was sure he sided with the other person. Later I realized that this is something he will always do, to win the argument not to side with someone. The lesson is, simply do not argue with your AS boyfriend. If I had known that, this would have been easier for me to cope with. Instead I got to hear how wrong I was. Still at this time, I had no clue he had AS. I hit the truth when we started to consider having a family together. He then felt a need I think to show me who he really was. He didn't know he had AS, but he knew he was not the same as me so he showed me this by intesifying his behaviours a bit. He argued that men and women were the same to him. First I thought he was a free spirited guy. Later I realized that gender in his world, didn't seem to matter at all. When he started to hang out with a girl on a regular basis, he broke my heart again. I felt completly ignored, all he wanted to do with me was CLEAN! At times I felt like a housekeeper more than a loving partner. I begged him to stop and told him that he HURT me in a big way this time. Still, he didn't stop. At that time I didn't realize that he couldn't stop it, and he didn't realize that feelings can't be ignored. He thought I would come around and see things his way. Of course I didn't. This passage in my life made me search for answers. How could it be that he loved me and yet, couldn't stop hurting me? He wasn't trying to cheat on me, so why didn't he just stop? He simply did not understand how I felt. That being hurt was a problem for me. He didn't see it that way, he just thought I could simply switch off those feelings like a machine could. I searched the web for answers, because I did realize that not understanding feelings of others (which I realized he didn't) was not exactly "normal". A "normal" person would of course react and change the behaviour in some way. I realized he had a problem with theory of mind, after reading on the internet. I "stumbled" over the diagnosis AS and realized I found my answer. An answer to all our arguments, to the perfectionism at home, to the meltdowns, the need for direct speech, the problem with touch, the difficulty of making him distinguish his needs from mine and so on. I felt relief, but also grief. I grieved for six months before I desperatly contacted this website to help me stop the ongoing meetings he had with this girl, who herself had no boundaries and showed affection for my boyfriend in a romantic way. My boyfriend on the other hand, said she of course was just a friend and thought I was being annoying. In his world, since I am his girlfriend, there can be no other. I realized after sometime that he didn't even categorize other women as being women. He just thought they were people, and I was his girlfriend. So really, I was the only woman out there :) But sadly, this is not how the world works. There are other women out there and men too. So I realized I had to teach him that there are differences between men and women and that people react to one another sometimes entirely based on that fact. Once he got this, the world has changed for us. He now sees the gender factor, still AS, but now watching a film on tv he understands the jokes based on gender. I could never had imagined I had to teach my own boyfriend about the fact that gender is of importance. This was a real shocker for me. As an NT, this is really knowledge we do take for granted. But this has proved to be a great lesson for us both. Now we both have come to a point in our relationship when we are reevaluation the situation. My hope for the future is to have a family together which works (we are both at that age you know) and to be able to talk about AS openly. Right now we can't since life isn't that simple. His mother also has AS and his brother. The brother is open about his AS but not his mom. This makes it hard, it has put "shame" into the picture. I think it is also a very personal question, and he is the one who should "want" to know. I guess he knows now, because when I realized it so did he I noticed. But it's still not an open subject. But we do laugh and giggle when we see something funny on tv that has "diagnosis" written all over it. A silent agreement is what it is. But not only has this process been a big change in my life. My own family has also been very influenced by my boyfriend. Most of all my dad, who has himself realized he has a diagnosis aswell (a form of AS/ADHD). So really, I have lived with a father with a diagnosis all my life and learned how to behave around him. I think that is why I am with my boyfriend now. Because somehow I saw my father in him and felt a sense of belonging to him. I think that is why I also can be in this relationship. I was trained early on without knowing it. Maybe it all sounds crazy to you reading this, but it is my true story and I hope there was something useful in it for you to learn. I would like to end this long story reasons for why aspies are great boyfriends (and girlfriends): 1. They always tell the truth. 2. They trust you (do you really think an aspie would let you clean his apartment otherwise?) 3. They have a wonderful humor and make you laugh every day. 4. They always do what they say they will. 5. They take care of all your technical needs. 6. They make you clean :) 7. They accept all kinds of people and see their good sides. 8. They admire intelligence before physical qualities. 9. They have a strong sense of justice. 10. They remember what you said a year (or more) ago. (you see, I don't even have to mention they are smart right? ;) And finally, as an NT this is important, they are so cute [:D] Thank you all for making this forum a wonderful place to be!

Unwanted Relationships

cevans@autismhangout.com — Tue, 11 Oct 2011 20:57:36 CST

This is a problem my sister has quite a bit. She asked me to ask this question for her. She likes to have friends of all kinds but avoids having male friends unless they are either married, in a solid relationship or much older then her because inevatibly they want to take the relationship to the next level. She finds that when she befriends men around her age they eventually want to take the friendship to dating. My sister find this horridly awkward and uncomfortable, especially when people flirt with her and the situation usually ends badly. My sister hates confrontation and doesn't want to hurt their feelings and ruin the friendship. But she unintentionally comes across as mean in her "solution" to the problem. Her approach is to basically freeze them out when they approach her romantically (Ignore their phone calls, emails etc) because she says she doesn't have the words to tell them that she is not interested in a romantic relationship and she is afraid of their reaction. She doesn't want to be mean but she doesn't know what to do so she does nothing as she says that if she doesn't know what to do, inaction is the best approach. She admits this is a bad approach and it usually doesn't work. Right now she is dealing with a friend who is wanting to take the relationship to the next level and he simply won't leave her alone. I tell her to tell him she is not interested but she says she is afraid to say anything and will just get tongue tied and hurt his feelings so she puts up with the unwanted attention instead. My questions are, what are the best ways to keep friends without getting mixed up in romantics but do it in a way that no one gets hurt or offended and when situations like that do happen is there a way to preserve the friendship or is it a lost cause? Is there a way she can deal with this avoiding flat out confrontation but still not coming across as cruel? Secondly, how can a person on the spectrum avoid having this problem in the first place with friends of the opposite sex? Does disclosure help or does it just complicate things? Thanks! Dare to be REMARKABLE Inkspot

"Ask Dr. Tony!" October 2011

cevans@autismhangout.com — Tue, 11 Oct 2011 12:27:15 CST

Yessiree, Dr. Tony returns with discussions on everything from sensory to suicide. But my personal favorite was his new term, "Intellectual Orgasm." [IMG]http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o148/jabez48/DrTA2.jpg[/IMG] Here's the five easy video installments for your learning and entertainment. [:D] Thanks, Dr. T! Sensory Issues, Special vs Intimate Friends and "Intellectual Orgasms" - http://www.autismhangout.com/news-reports/feature-programs.asp?id2=200 Catastrophizing emotions, Discovering your Asperger's later in life - http://www.autismhangout.com/news-reports/feature-programs.asp?id2=201 "Ask Dr. Tony" October 2011 - Aspergers/NT Marriages, Genetics of ASD - http://www.autismhangout.com/news-reports/feature-programs.asp?id2=203 "Ask Dr. Tony" October 2011 - Aspergers Faulty Logic, Aspergian Masks - http://www.autismhangout.com/news-reports/feature-programs.asp?id2=202 "Ask Dr. Tony" October 2011 - Emergency "I have autism" cards and "suicide is not an option" - http://www.autismhangout.com/news-reports/feature-programs.asp?id2=204 [IMG]http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o148/jabez48/Dancingguycropbig.jpg[/IMG] Autism Hangout: Learning, sharing, thriving![url][/url][url][/url][url][/url]

Grief

cevans@autismhangout.com — Tue, 11 Oct 2011 08:15:03 CST

Hi, I'm new here. My boyfriend of many years was recently diagnosed with aspergers and just lost his mother. He broke up with me days after the funeral and took off traveling and doesn't want to hear from me. I'm heartbroken. He's convinced he's acting on what he needs because he's learned life is short. Is there anyway to help him realize that he's grieving and running away won't fix the hurt? I know if I tell him he won't listen. Thanks for being a great resource.

"I want to be dead"

cevans@autismhangout.com — Tue, 4 Oct 2011 05:28:51 CST

Hello, my 8-years-old son has been diagnosed with Asperger's 2 years ago. As he seems not to perceive himself als "different" from other children, he does not know about this diagnosis by now. When he gets upset, he sometimes cries things like "I want to be dead! I will jump out of the window!" (once I really had to pluck him off the window sill, where he stood, glaring in my direction) - and I just do not know how to react. Normally, I just ignore this kind of exclamations and rather talk about the thing that made him angry or sad; I just do not want to make a big fuss about it. But this doesn't exaktly feels like the reaction he needs. What could I do? Thanks, Iris

Having a family AS/NT

cevans@autismhangout.com — Tue, 27 Sep 2011 01:53:07 CST

Thank you first of all for helping me on a previous occasion. Now the situation is under control, as under control as it can be. I have learned to accept that I cannot change his "forced" behaviours (which of course still causes heartbreak at times) but what we have both learned is that they can be a bit altered by my AS partner, something he had to learn in this process. I also learned that his forced behaviour is very much connected to a specific context. In a certain context he is forced to do the behaviour but in a different context he might not be forced. It can be of great use for me to know this sometimes, and know that as soon as the context changes, he also changes. Finally I also learned that his behaviour is always controlled by an action and not by a person (which is important to know since the people then cannot really influence him when it comes down to it). I cannot stop or alter his behaviour, but that is also true for everyone else around him. On to my new question for you Dr T! I of course think a lot about the future of our relationship and about children. We have been thinking about this for quite some time. I have learned that there is a 90 % chance that the baby will get AS if one of the parents has AS. Is this true? If my child will turn out to have AS as well, I'm not sure how I would cope dealing with two aspies at the same time. What are your thoughts on this? I know this is a "long-shot" and hard to answer. Thank you for a great website!

Adult With No Support

cevans@autismhangout.com — Mon, 26 Sep 2011 20:33:44 CST

Hi Dr Atwood. I am 46 and diagnosed myself at 40 with Aspergers. I went to a child psych who said PDD-NOS. He also gave me another diagnosis but I do not agree with it as I do not meet the criteria. I do not generally trust psychiatrists because I have been misdiagnosed and drugged with improper medications several times since my teens (they thought I was a problem child). One med zoned me out worse than I already was so I almost got hit by two vehicles on the same day. Drs also missed the bipolar II which I diagnosed and got confirmed but it went away when my female reproductive organs were removed (I am trans and one year on testosterone). Anyway, what can I do to learn how to communicate, what can I do to communicate better, how can I not have meltdowns, learn to have a relationship and everything else I haven't learned? How can I live without using Aspergers masks? I am so good at pretending to be normal that my now ex-dr did not believe I am autistic (one of the reasons I am getting a new dr besides her betraying dr/patient confidentiality). I am rather stuck between a rock and a hard place. If I do not use a mask people think I am stupid or retarded. I risk putting myself in danger or professional people talk down to me like I am a child when I am with high IQ. (One wheelchair sales person crouched down to talk to me eye level and proceeded to try to control the situation and me in my home when what she said made me want to wheel away from her). If I do, people do not believe me if I say I am autistic. I have been in many dangerous situations and grew up in a dangerous house. I am also physically challenged with CMT and seizures and getting worse and wondering if I should be living in a special home. I don't know where to go to get answers or help. I am in Vancouver, BC Canada. Why are drs against helping people on the spectrum with gender transition as if we don't know who we are? I had to hide my autism to get my gender change started. I''m Autistic, Not Retarded and Not Stupid.

Asperger/NT Marriages - from youtube.

cevans@autismhangout.com — Tue, 20 Sep 2011 07:02:07 CST

Can you please do programs with Dr Tony on aspergers/NT marriages? There are so many of us out here that have no help, counseling, or anywhere to turn for help. This is a tragedy on families and marriages where one of the parents or spouse have aspergers and the NT has no one to turn to. [IMG]http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o148/jabez48/Dancingguycropbig.jpg[/IMG] Autism Hangout: Learning, sharing, thriving!

Clarification on Ivo's question

cevans@autismhangout.com — Wed, 7 Sep 2011 20:55:44 CST

I know this was asked already but the answer pertained to what to do when a person has a "special interest" as well as a relationship with someone else and didn't really answer my question. I am wondering how to (for lack of better words) protect the people involved in a non-romantic special interest between a professor and aI student. It is completely intellectual but some of the other staff have seen it as inappropriate and have tried to intervene, mainly by approaching my sister and telling her to back off. This disturbs me and I have taken it to the school but there is not much they can do without a formal complaint. So that brings me back to the question. How do I protect my sister and the professor from people that don't understand the circumstances. My sister doesn't see anything wrong with what she is doing and therefore thinks that the whole situation is bizarre and stupid as well as nerve wracking. Are we sticking a fork in the toaster here? Dare to be REMARKABLE Inkspot

Paranoia & AS: mothers death

cevans@autismhangout.com — Sun, 4 Sep 2011 21:23:23 CST

Thanks for 'autism & death of a parent' video. My older brother (undiagnosed aspie, 42 with diagnosed ASD child, 3) and I have always been close. He is my only surviving relative. Our difficulties have been around his possessive wife hating me instantly - she is anti-social like him & is very jealous. His circle of friends has disappeared. Despite my urging, he has refused to seek therapy. My mum suddenly died at my house this year following a cardiac arrest. The doctors couldn't ascertain the exact cause of death, so my mum had an autopsy at the Coroners Court. In the Coroners Report, it showed my brother told the coroner my mum had been poisoned & to check for lithium poisoning (the medication I take-yes, family mood problems!). He thought I had poisoned her.....yup. Previously, he blamed my mum for my dads death, the doctor for my grandfathers death. He stopped talking to my grandma FOREVER - wouldn't even attend her funeral. A month later, I ask my brother if he wants anything from my Mums house. No. I take out some non-sellable used items (food/clothing/pans/used perfume). I tell him & joint solicitor I've taken the valuable jewellery, storing it at our house as her house is unattended. My brother tells me not to take anything out of the house until probate is granted. I told him the jewellery could be stolen, so I'm keeping it at our place. He then sends me an email again telling me not to take anything out of the house, and only to communicate with him through a lawyer. He changed his phone number & wrote not to visit as he doesn't want to see me. Here are my questions: 1. Does my brothers aspergers mean I have to do everything HIS way? If I don't, I get passive-agressive 'punishment' for my imagined 'misdeeds'. 2. Why is the relationship all one way? There is no empathy/compassion/give and take..... 3. Is it ok for asperger sufferers to hurt others and not be accountable for this? I'm already grieving my mother. He then cuts me off, no explanation - this is deeply painful to me. Do I just ignore all of this and pretend it hasn't happened if I want a relationship with him? Where do you draw the line? PS: I've got TOny's book - excellent!

Anxiety and Asperger's Syndrome

cevans@autismhangout.com — Tue, 16 Aug 2011 09:27:30 CST

Anxiety is a huge issue for those with Asperger's Syndrome but I have found it is often overlooked or ignored. I have a few questions about it. 1 - How does someone with Aspergers and anxiety learn to cope in situations where someone may or may NOT understand autism? Are there options beyond meds? 2 - How does someone with Aspergers and anxiety cope when it leads to thoughts of suicide? Again, are there options beyond meds? 3. Can the need for perfection/control be exacerbated by extreme anxiety? Inkspot

So about air pressure sensitivities...

cevans@autismhangout.com — Sun, 24 Jul 2011 07:52:27 CST

The other night I had a strong case of my sound flashes - first one of my lights made a loud crack sound and I saw a flash so bright I almost banged my head because of the startle. Took me a while to relax again and not long after my fridge noisily started up and I got another big flash. So annoying... I saw the July videos and Dr. Attwood somehow misunderstood the question but still managed to answer it anyway. What a pro! In my case these flashes are certainly in reaction to the sounds. So with the synesthesia issue now clarified, I would still like to know about air pressure sensitivities. I know that many Aspies have light and sound sensitivities - I have those too. But it is hard to find information on air pressure changes. So I have this question... Things like closing the last door in a car after entering it, closing the last window if the car is moving or being in a train entering and exiting tunnels - I feel these pressure changes very strongly and it is unpleasant to the point that it makes me cringe, even while everyone else doesn't seem to mind. Is this typical in Aspies?

Individuality

cevans@autismhangout.com — Fri, 15 Jul 2011 08:39:14 CST

I have the following question for the next session: Can you give some examples of typical autistic traits that are manifested in different (and even opposite) ways by different individuals? I would like to comment a bit on my motivation for this question. It seems to me that Tony believes that those on the spectrum are individuals above whatever traits may be shared with other persons on the spectrum. Considering that one commonly present trait is indeed that the individual is less affected by society's pressure to conform, it may even be fair to say that people on the spectrum are typically more individualized than average. I believe that this is not highlighted enough! Of course there is a reason to group people with several traits as "being on the spectrum" and so on, but individuality comes first in my opinion. I've even heard a variant of the expression "If you know one person on the spectrum, you know one person on the spectrum" by more than one expert (if I recall correctly in interviews by Uta Frith and Sally Ozonoff). I thought that a great way to illustrate the remarkable diversity that exists within the spectrum would be examples where individuals sharing the same autistic trait manifest that trait in remarkably opposite manners - the best examples I could think about are with the senses. There are those who can be comfortably "underdressed" in the cold and there are those who can be comfortably "overdressed" in the heat. Those that are averse to touch and those that are touchy-feely. There are quiet and loud ones - both in volume and in quantity of speech! So I wonder what good examples Tony may give us! Ivo.

"Ask Dr. Tony" - July 2011

cevans@autismhangout.com — Wed, 6 Jul 2011 10:11:27 CST

Dr Tony and I talked for almost 40 minutes over 14 issues you folks contributed. I had a technology glitch that ate up two (the first 4 minutes of our conversation), but here are the remaining 12. "Ask Dr. Tony" July 2011 - Salads and vomit soup In this Program, Dr. Attwood talks about why some people on the spectrum are afraid of certain foods, like salads. [img]http://i2.ytimg.com/vi/QcKVIIIgSlw/default.jpg [/img] http://www.autismhangout.com/news-reports/feature-programs.asp?id2=182 "Ask Dr. Tony" July 2011 - Anti-seizure medications In this program, Dr. Attwood talks about the anti-seizure medications for aggression. [img]http://i2.ytimg.com/vi/1q8xHhVXhJI/default.jpg[/img] http://www.autismhangout.com/news-reports/feature-programs.asp?id2=183 "Ask Dr. Tony" July 2011 - Reassurance In this Program, Dr. Attwood talks about identifying and utilizing reassurance questions from a person on the spectrum. [img]http://i1.ytimg.com/vi/xGp2HBgwrEc/default.jpg [/img] http://www.autismhangout.com/news-reports/feature-programs.asp?id2=184 "Ask Dr. Tony" July 2011 - TMS, new medications In this Program, Dr. Attwood talks about TMS and other new medications. [img]http://i1.ytimg.com/vi/DMYi9BrXZko/default.jpg [/img] http://www.autismhangout.com/news-reports/feature-programs.asp?id2=185 "Ask Dr. Tony" July 2011 - AS and diets, digestion In this Program, Dr. Attwood talks about gluten, casin-free diets and digestions issues with autism. [img]http://i3.ytimg.com/vi/n7dsHzBEn64/default.jpg [/img] http://www.autismhangout.com/news-reports/feature-programs.asp?id2=186 "Ask Dr. Tony" July 2011 - Synesthesia and AS In this Program, Dr. Attwood talks about synesthesia. [img]http://i1.ytimg.com/vi/HauG48iF3HE/default.jpg [/img] http://www.autismhangout.com/news-reports/feature-programs.asp?id2=187 "Ask Dr. Tony" July 2011 - AS and the death of a parent In this Program, Dr. Attwood talks about how to assist your AS child with the death of a loved one. [img]http://i2.ytimg.com/vi/5VJ_8TdYBd8/default.jpg [/img] http://www.autismhangout.com/news-reports/feature-programs.asp?id2=188 "Ask Dr. Tony" July 2011 - AS and sexuality In this Program, Dr. Attwood talks about AS and aspects of sexuality and flirtation. [img]http://i1.ytimg.com/vi/p2JuFOvE0CI/default.jpg [/img] http://www.autismhangout.com/news-reports/feature-programs.asp?id2=189 "Ask Dr. Tony" July 2011 - AS and social perception In this Program, Dr. Attwood talks about the ability for some people with AS to quickly recognize people that "like them." [img]http://i3.ytimg.com/vi/VwM1PxzqK4k/default.jpg [/img] http://www.autismhangout.com/news-reports/feature-programs.asp?id2=190 "Ask Dr. Tony" July 2011 - AS and relationships In this Program, Dr. Attwood talks about AS and relationships. [img]http://i3.ytimg.com/vi/nNEnzPBZzKQ/default.jpg [/img] http://www.autismhangout.com/news-reports/feature-programs.asp?id2=191 "Ask Dr. Tony" July 2011 - AS and mentorship programs In this Program, Dr. Attwood talks about the value of mentorship programs for people on the spectrum... and how to set them up. [img]http://i2.ytimg.com/vi/AAJf5T24oK8/default.jpg [/img] http://www.autismhangout.com/news-reports/feature-programs.asp?id2=192 "Ask Dr. Tony" July 2011 - AS and feelings In this Program, Dr. Attwood talks to people with AS about recognizing and identifying emotional feelings. [img]http://i1.ytimg.com/vi/8_qNclQiGdw/default.jpg [/img] http://www.autismhangout.com/news-reports/feature-programs.asp?id2=193 [IMG]http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o148/jabez48/Dancingguycropbig.jpg[/IMG] Autism Hangout: Learning, sharing, thriving![size=3]

sensory "feelings" and emotional "feelings"

cevans@autismhangout.com — Tue, 5 Jul 2011 02:30:36 CST

Hi. In researching ASD, I find that there is a lot of information concerning interpersonal relations. In particular, how the individual with ASD needs to deliberately learn how to read the facial expressions and body language of other people, in order to understand how they are feeling. I have been trying to learn how to do this, and it is helpful to some extent. However, I still find it impossible to identify how I feel. This is an intrapersonal, rather than an interpersonal, issue. I read recently, that when people experience emotions, they feel physical sensations in their body. Specific emotions cause a specific set of sensory feelings, and this is how people identify which emotion they are feeling. [i.e. happy causes sensation set A, angry causes sensation set B]. The problem I have with this, is that I feel physical sensations in my body, which are: chaotic, heavily influenced by environmental inputs, mixtures of different senses, and irrelevant to social context. In other words: I can describe, in theory, the physical sensations that represent an emotional state, but I cannot identify these sensations in myself. Therefore I cannot identify my emotional state. My questions are: how do I identify which of my physical feelings are "emotional feelings", and which are just "sensory feelings"? How can I differentiate these sensations?

Mentor program

cevans@autismhangout.com — Sun, 3 Jul 2011 23:54:56 CST

HI Dr. Tony. I have a 6 year old son diagnosed with AS, and recently I have confirmed that I also have AS. I have been looking for a Mentor program here in Darwin, with the hope that I might find someone who my son can relate to, however there is nothing available here. Now that I know I am also an Aspie (and proud of it), I would like to become involved in getting a Mentor program started. I have researched, however there are so many types of Mentor programs that have been useful, I am not sure what or how this program should look like as I have only been involved in these programs in a formal workplace. Can you help with suggestions on how to get started? Neilia.