ERROR AND TRIAL
Wednesday, March 28, 2012 @1:31:17 AM
I have noticed that the consequences of my actions strike me with surprise. This means I can act in a certain way, only to watch those in my presence react in ways that could not predict. This does not always happen but it often happens and it is annoying because I am distubed that I disturbed others and that I was not able to anticipate their reaction.
I think this is what Simon Baron-Cohen meant when he coined the now populat phrase Theory of Mind. However when one reads about ToM it seems like a few things we guess wrong and we are chastised or work through with a certain sense of akward. It is so much deeper and more disturbing than that because there is this striking feeling of sureality. There is my reality and there is the reality of those around me. The difference is startling and delivers a sense of shock. I recognize the tremendous difference in our sensibilities. More importantly I am struck with the confusion of how they could have interpreted my action that way. This is a moot question because they do not view me as confused and attempting to work out a simple misunderstanding, I am generally viewed as deliberately/willful creation of the distubance. I am viewed as an A--hole that wishes to destroy other people's joy. These conclusions could not be further from the truth.
It is debilitating to go through expereiences two to three times a week because I have to figure out how they are mad at me and from that mystery concock an explanation to explain their misunderstanding and to also describe what I meant to convery. It takes a genius to recognize what they are viewing and to fix the situation on the fly consistently. This is nearly impossible when one does not know what set the other poeple off and how they came to that conclusion.
I suppose to live on the ASD lifestyle is to not have a clear understanding of a cause and effect where our behaviors are concerned. I can live according to what I think is best and be surprised every time with how other's react. The effect my behaviors have on another is more surprising to me than it is to the others. Now I know it is not supposed to happen that way. I am supposed to be able to anticipate how people will react to my actions, we can see this is not something that comes easily, and when it does it comes from trial and error. Do not do this because it pisses people off, i learned from past experiences, so I do not repeat that exact behavior, however I might do something very similar and expect a different reaction, You might have heard we are literal thnkers.
I am high functioning precisely by this method. I have been beat up by so many for past mistakes so I now look like a NT because i know so many things not to do. But this process is certainly not for everybody. My diagnosis has allowed me to have thicker skin and engage in experimental behaviors to see if people will be mad at me. At least know I know why i lose friends at an alarming rate.
I tell my self if I employ this method for a hundred years I will know every mistake to avoid and finally I will appear to be "normal" what ever that is supposed to be, at least I will no longer be beat up and hurt by other's reation.
More trials to come and less errors to make right???
